against mornings

LOOK HERE

It is morning because the sun has risen.

It is morning because the darkness is

packed off to Europe and because the

clock says so and the radio and the

wet clothes sinking down from the

line begin to be responsible again,

try to shake themselves and face up to

drying and it is morning because the

jug quivers and bubbles and switches itself

off and my fingers force the skin off my

orange, and the blue and white teapot

holds fresh tea, and it is morning because

things to be done line up in front of me and

say, look here.

~ Rachel Bush, The Hungry Woman (VUP, 1997)

If I could change something about myself, I think I would want to love mornings. I do, in theory. The idea of rising with the sun, sitting with a familiar cup of tea and letting the steam hit my face, easing into the possibility of the day..... It is a beautiful dream. The reality is that I resist becoming vertical with all my might. Sometimes I get stuck in dreams, sometimes I just long to sleep longer...even when I'm somewhat awake I whine, I hit snooze, I make continual excuses to delay getting up until the pain of being so late for something outweighs the pain of getting up. It really is such a struggle, and why? I cannot really ever remember a day when I jumped out of bed, ever.

I do love nighttime. I feel much more productive when everyone around me is asleep. I like the quiet. I feel more alert (which obviously makes it difficult to sleep). And I just naturally revert to a night owl schedule if given the slightest opportunity. And maybe I could just embrace it if (1) I didn't work early and (2) it didn't make me feel so lazy. I've always been told I'll get used to getting up early but I'm 31 and so far it's just not happening. I worked 2 years at a job that started at 7:15 and was 45 minutes away.... the last day was no better than the first. So when I think of becoming a mother my biggest worry is not about parenting... it's about waking up early! No, I'm not pregnant, I just know that all my mother-colleagues wake at 5 and I am in constant awe of them. They just kind of shrug and say they became morning people when they had children. I do hope one day I can be on friendlier terms with mornings, whether it takes motherhood or a total overhaul of my habits.

So right now I am poutingly putting off sleep to put off waking up in the morning to a snowed-in car that needs shoveling out to drive in a snow-filled Boston commute...but I'll give up the battle at some point...