Today I went into work determined not to let it get me down. That lasted about 20 minutes. Oh well. To my credit, I didn't spiral into disgruntled rage. Seriously, how big of a deal was this incident? Not very. But then I started talking to a co-worker who was as burnt out as me and wanted to quit. That fanned the flames a bit.
But I did have a very nice visit with a 5 year old. (I mentioned her before - she lost her dad a few months ago and gives me big hugs when I visit.) There is a great book for kids - 'Tell Me How to Grieve' - that has kids draw out their feelings and has a few sentences to normalize the grief response. Her mom had gotten it for her but forgot about it. Then last night she finds it filled out - the little girl has stayed up at night working on it. There was a heartbreaking picture of a tear-filled stick figure under 'my feelings', and under happy memories, a picture of her on her dad's shoulders as he helped her across the monkey bars. I asked her to fill out the 'angry' page when I was there, and she drew a stick figure with a red mouth. She kept going over the mouth, saying lots of make-up can hide her mouth, and people won't know she's angry, then. When I asked what she does when she's angry she said 'I try to breathe a lot' - smart little girl! Then we played with the dollhouse and she had the mom give birth to a baby boy (I'm taking that as a good omen for Kim!). She repeatedly had the dad die, then the mom, and we had to go find them in heaven (we fly up there with superpowers, of course). It was very sad to see her asking over and over to hear their voices - she couldn't hear them as hard as she tried.
After work I went to the gym. I hadn't been there in 2 weeks since I was in NJ... and I have to go 12 times a month for reimbursement. So that leaves 8 more visits the rest of April! I had quite a terrible time at the gym. I went on the elliptical. Today is the Boston Marathon, and I ruminated about how out of shape I was. I forewent (nice! hardly ever get to use that word) the earphones, because I thought it might be a good time to do a sanskrit mantra to help my mental state. I feel like I've just been too stressed about work and other things, and I'm trying to help myself KNOW that I choose my reaction to potential stressors - I really don't need to end every day curled up in a ball exhausted and frustrated and near tears. So, I thought a nice mantra would help my energy. Good thought, but not especially practical at the gym. Even though I had no earphones they had background music. I tried to match the mantra syllables to the rhythm of the machine but it conflicted with the music and all the other sounds around me. I tried saying it under my breath, which helped. I wanted to focus my eyes on something but since I was on the elliptical I started getting a bit seasick. I then closed my eyes, and realized I was on some gym machine with my eyes closed and muttering under my breath. I also felt disoriented (I really believe I have some sort of undiagnosed sensory integration disorder - I find it impossible to use a treadmill, for example, and numerous other weird things Gabe will attest to). So in any case I made it 12 minutes and stepped off, feeling like a wimp compared to all the marathoners. Ugh. Then I took a few steps and thought I was going to faint and puke, or puke and faint. I really don't know what the problem was today, but I was just not feeling the gym, AT ALL.
Then I left and went food shopping, which was mostly relaxing. I came home and made a nice dinner. I can't find the camera but here's a description. I stir fried chorizo with garlic and onions. Then I put it in a lidded pot with red pepper, cannelini white beans, parsley, and diced tomatoes. I let it warm in the oven til Gabe got home (at 9) and then broiled cut-up pita bread with olive oil, salt and parsley. On the plate I put baby spinach, the chorizo mixture on top with some cucumber, side of pita chips, kalamata olives and hummus. So good!
Oh yeah, and I stopped at the liquor store. We don't exactly have money for such expenditures, but I bought it with our winnings from the casino. But I guess when you buy your booze because of gambling, it really doesn't make it better :-0 That's really funny, now that I think of it! (Disclosure: this paragraph is not fully representative of who I am.)
In other typical Monday news, I am still not an aunt. I'm thinking good thoughts, and hoping Kim goes into labor naturally before Friday. Get out here, Niko!