Lethargy

Something is off with me lately. I can't make decisions, can't think clearly, my memory is shot, nightmares, and I CANNOT wake up in the morning. I'm totally unmotivated. It's like depression but without the bad mood - I suppose it's stress. I have been nearly obsessed with wedding planning but feel like I'm making no real progress. Probably because I'm not. And my to-do list: work projects, taxes, newsletter publishing, laundry, housecleaning, bills, etc. just isn't happening. So the cycle is I feel overwhelmed...then i do nothing... then I feel guilty...then I feel overwhelmed...then I do nothing... you see how it is. I have cultivated self-criticism into an art form so it takes a while to pull out of this pattern.

Hopefully a change of scenery will help. Gabriel and I are going to VT tomorrow to scout out a few wedding places. We are leaning towards a destination (island) wedding, but still want to look and make an informed decision. Road trips with my sweetie are always fun so I'm looking forward to it. One thing I've noticed - everyone I've talked to in VT makes me uncomfortable. BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FRIENDLY! Why would you bring me coffee and ask what donuts I like just because I'm stopping by to look at the house you are a caretaker of? Why would you talk for an hour about how much you can't wait to help plan my wedding with me? It makes me physically itchy and uncomfortable. I've become such a Bostonian, I think. I remember that time when I first went out to San Francisco, and someone randomly talked to me on the street. I must have jumped or made a face because they then said "oh, you're not from around here". I swear I was a different person after two months there. I defrosted. I felt more myself. Oh, I lament I am such a cold city dweller!